I try not to talk about things often. Which maybe is a mistake. Perhaps daily journaling would be helpful. The entries become rather repetitive though.... which is why I often don't write daily. Plus, most of my family doesn't read this blog. I try to stay anonymous, because of this very reason: misunderstanding.
Every day for me is a "bad day". I choose to look at things differently, I choose to find good parts in the bad... but if looking at things symptom wise - every day is a bad day. I hide this from my family. My parents, who I live with, know a little more than most do about how I am physically. But even for them I censor and hide things. I don't want them to have to deal with it... It's hard enough for them having to support their adult daughter and worry without the added stress of knowing just how bad my days are.
I hide things like: my fingers hurt so much right now that typing is painful. I consider not typing, but this is my only form of communication (I'm video phobic LOL), so I sit here taking many breaks, typing while my finger joints feel like they are breaking.
I hide things like: my hips are so sore right now walking hurts. Standing hurts, but standing is better than walking. Driving hurts, but I drove myself to my appointment today because I don't want to give up my one little bit of independence I have left: The ability to drive myself places. But my hips are so painful they feel like someone has wrapped rubber bands around them, really tight, and if I'm not careful they will snap any moment and I will collapse.
I hide things like: It feels like there are pins lining my joint sockets, and if I move even a millimeter in the wrong direction it feels like knives are slicing into me.
I hide things like: I have a constant headache, and it often makes my vision blurry. That I'm dizzy more often than not, and so sitting for long periods is hard. Bending down to pick something up requires concentration and skill I never thought I'd need for such a basic task that most people don't even think twice about.
I hide things like: I'm so exhausted every second of every day. So I stay in bed. I lay here watching reruns of bad sitcoms because on days like today even holding a book or my ereader requires too much strength.
I hide these things because... hearing about it day in and day out is depressing. And it is wearing on people. So I don't share the day to day... I hold back. I censor. I put on a happy face and I get through the day.
Not just for them but for myself.
I have to live the misery.... I don't feel like recounting it all.... I'd like to spend the energy I do have thinking about the small slivers of hope... the little bits of good that are in there...
Things like... My puppy made me laugh so hard today because she saw herself in a mirror for the first time and thought there was another puppy on the other side. She was prancing and pouncing trying her hardest to get that puppy to come play with her!
Or... my older dog snuggled with me all day today - he only left my side twice - once to eat, and once to go out.... but he came right back and snuggled against my hip - and his gentle pressure and heat gave me some comfort.
Today was a beautiful day outside. It was cool and sunny, with a faint scent of autumn in the air.... I love autumn. It is my favorite season.
I don't know why I have to be all doom and gloom for people to understand I am hurting, I'm in pain, and I'm sick.... Why can't they just be compassionate and join me in finding the good... perhaps pointing out a few slivers of hope to share with me themselves....
